


these lines are not infinite

by blazeofglory



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-03
Updated: 2014-08-03
Packaged: 2018-02-11 13:40:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2070306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blazeofglory/pseuds/blazeofglory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What would you do if I was gone?”</p><p>“I don’t know. You're-- shit, Steve, I don't know. You're everything."</p><p>(<i>'Til the end of the line</i> was never supposed to be a suicide pact, and yet...)</p>
            </blockquote>





	these lines are not infinite

“Do you ever want to die?” Steve asks in a quiet voice, late at night, when he thinks Bucky is asleep in his bed across the room, and he does not expect an answer. He gets one, though, after a pregnant pause.

“Sometimes,” Bucky whispers back, voice so low Steve can barely hear him. As it is, he does hear and it startles him, and he rolls over to squint at Bucky in the darkness.

Steve looks away after a moment; it's too dark to see anything anyway. “I do too. Surprise, right? I can barely leave my bed most days. I’m half-dead anyway.” And he _hates_ it, he really does, but he tries to make his words light and teasing. He hates feeling weak and useless, alone in life except for Bucky, and dragging Bucky down with him more and more every day.

“Hey,” Bucky’s voice is soft and Steve can hear the blankets rustling as he sits up. “I like you just how you are.”

Steve snorts and sits up too-- slowly, bones creaking. “It’d sure be easier if I was healthier.”

“Yeah, and it’d be easier if we were rich mob bosses,” Bucky concedes, forcing a laugh, getting up to sit on Steve’s bed, so close their shoulders and knees are bumping. He’s warm where Steve is cold, and Steve can’t help but lean against him, head ducked in embarrassment. “But I’ll take what I can get.”

Steve sighs, a rattling sound that echoes in the relative silence of their apartment. Their upstairs neighbor is running the tap, and there are voices outside in the distance, but that’s all background noise. It’s quiet enough that he can hear each breath Bucky takes.

They’re silent for a little, but Steve’s mind keeps racing. Tentatively, he asks, “What would you do if I was gone?” It’s masochistic to ask that, and he knows it. Bucky would have it so _easy_ without Steve. He could keep a job without having to stay home to take care of Steve and he could save his money and get a better apartment instead of trying to afford rent for two and Steve’s medicine and enough food for two hungry mouths instead of one. He could go out more, meet a nice gal.

“I don’t know,” Bucky answers, and he sounds confused and _sad_ , and Steve moves away so he can see Bucky’s face, but he’s looking away. Bucky shrugs, the movement strong enough to jostle Steve’s bed frame. “You’re-- shit, Steve, I don’t know. You’re everything.”

Steve is suddenly grateful for the darkness, grateful that their apartment building is so far off from any street lamps, grateful Bucky can’t see the blush on his cheek and the tears in his eyes. “That’s the problem,” he whispers. “You could have the whole world, Buck, and all you got is me. You deserve more.”

“You’re all I need, punk.” Bucky’s response is swift and firm, louder than before. “I’m nothin’ without you.”

“Yeah,” Steve agrees, a bitter smile on his lips, leaning against Bucky again, seeking out his warmth. “Me too.”

“‘Til the end of the line, right?” And it’s an echo of another time, so long ago, but really only a few years. That had been before everything got-- well, worse. It’s enough to make Steve shake his head.

“I don’t think that’s what you meant when you said it.”

Bucky shrugs again, and his tone is too light for a conversation this dark. “I mean it, though. If you die, Steve--”

“Stop it.” Steve elbows Bucky in the gut, silencing his next words. “You can’t just-- you can’t talk like that.”

“Yeah?” Bucky is probably rolling his eyes, though Steve can’t see. “If you can, then so can I. I refuse to live in a world without you.”

Steve coughs then, and isn’t that just the reminder they needed? Bucky rubs his back until he catches his breath, and his voice is raw when he says, “I could die any second. Right now, tomorrow, a week from now. You’d have to move on, Bucky. You could do it.”

“No.” And again, he is firm. “If you die, I will follow you as fast as I can.”

Steve is almost desperate enough to think that’s Bucky’s way of saying _I love you_.

 


End file.
